Comments on: What is Cheating Exactly? A guest blog post by Christine London

By: christine london

christine london — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 07:16:39 +0000

Sounds like a good guideline to live by, Kathy, as it can encompass many different things for different couples. Doesn’t sound rigid at all. Sounds loving.

Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts.

By: christine london

christine london — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 07:09:59 +0000

Good insightful commnets, Randall. Seems the common theme throughout is agreement in the establishing of boundries of a relationship. Good counsel indeed.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts.

By: Randall Lang

Randall Lang — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 05:04:17 +0000

In matters of human sexuality, an exact match of libido for both members of a couple is by far the exception to the rule. In addition to simple hormonal levels, factors such as health changes, age differences, and physical attractiveness can generate divergent sexual desires that become more imbalanced as the years go by. People who love each other completely and hopelessly can be a complete mismatch when it comes to their level of sexual desire sexual desire. Attempting to live within the bounds of monogomy is a very noble evdeavor and some if not many actually accomplish it. But what of the others? Is it really necessary to dissolve an otherwise solid relationship simply because one party surrenders to sexual or emotional needs that exceed that of the other party? I have, for many years, known numerous couples who live quite happily and contentedly within the boundaries of open marriages because they have discussed and agreed upon those very boundaries. That openness becomes the ‘safety valve’ that provides a safe alternative to the destructive clandestine affair. The experience of being with others becomes a shared adventure and a point of intimate discussion, rather than the destroyer of a marriage. Even if one party is more excited by the prospects than the other, the boundaries become a compromise not much different from agreeing upon a restaurant or a movie. The concept may sound strange to many, but it does provide an alternative to a life of sacrifice, resentment, and bitterness toward a spouse. The key is discussion and mutual agreement in the establishment and adherence to the boundaries.

Yours,

Randall Lang

By: Kathy Bennett

Kathy Bennett — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 03:23:02 +0000

My definition of cheating is probably rather rigid…but it works for both my husband and I.

If you wouldn’t do it or say it in front of your spouse…you’re probably cheating – or getting dangerously close.

By: christine london

christine london — Sun, 28 Nov 2010 23:00:58 +0000

I like these vows alot. You were very wise. What of those who just went along with the standard because that is what was done/expected? Is there not room to reevaluate anything you have agreed to in the blush of youth or the rose coloured glasses of new love?

By: Kathryn Scannell

Kathryn Scannell — Sun, 28 Nov 2010 22:39:58 +0000

My personal definition is that cheating is doing something behind your partner’s back that will hurt them in any way when they find out. The key is having enough open communication with your partner that you both understand what will hurt the other.

When we got married we didn’t use the standard vows, we wrote our own, because neither of us wanted to promise something we might not be able to keep. You can’t really promise to love someone forever – love is something that happens, and sometimes it stops happening, or it just isn’t enough to keep going in the face of other issues. for the long haul we promised to treat each other with respect and honesty, and to stand by each other. Those are things you can keep, no matter what your emotions are doing.

By: christine london

christine london — Sun, 28 Nov 2010 19:20:20 +0000

Absolutlely–getting the ‘rules’ straight would avoid all kinds of pain. You are a very open minded ‘older generation’ member, Jean. My mother would not even consider the legitimacy of sex before marriage, much less ‘shacking up’. How quickly we are being pressured to change…good for many, but those who are uncomfartable with the new ‘rules’ should not be forced to accept them into their lives any more than they should tsk, tsk those who are expanding their definition of meaningful loving relationship(s).

None of us is master over her thoughts. (though there are passages in the Bible that would tell you you should be, lest you sin). Yup..by that definition, we are all sinners indeed.

By: christine london

christine london — Sun, 28 Nov 2010 19:14:23 +0000

Thank you for your reply and definition, Maria. I think we’re on the same page–the imperative nature of allowing each person the right to decide what is right for him/her. You highlight the importance of insuring that all members involved agree with the way their relationship is structured and for society to keep it’s bloody nose out of anyones personal decisions as to what is moral for them and their loved ones. So true–you think deceit should be kept out of the equation!

It is no more acceptable for others to judge you on your deciision to be a one man gal, than it is for people to judge those who have poly amorous relationships that work for them. Cheating should be defined by the agreed upon ‘rules’ of each relationship, not by society.

Well said!

By: Jean Hart Stewart

Jean Hart Stewart — Sun, 28 Nov 2010 17:56:14 +0000

The older generation, and that includes me,has a different slant than the current one.If sexy thoughts are cheating, though we’re all guilty. Thank god I didn’t live in the time when women weren’t considered as even having minds. Certainly cheating is a concept that changes with each person, and you’d better get the rules straight between you and that other before delving too far into a relationship.

By: Maria

Maria — Sun, 28 Nov 2010 17:49:17 +0000

Hmm, excellent question. What is cheating? Cheating is defined by the “rules” of each relationship. What I would consider cheating, someone who is in a poly amorous relationship would not. I totally got Monique’s reply to Barbara after the Oscars that a physical affair for her is not a deal breaker. It isn’t the affair itself – the sexual, sensual acts – that break apart a relationship for me. It is the deceit and the breaking of trust that ends the relationship.

I don’t know that I’d be able to be open to a man loving another woman at the same time that he loved me. I do not share well, nor do I want to work on it and “learn” to be more open. I am very clear about this with men, and I am also very clear with the fact that if they are into more fluid relationships that is fine. I just do not play that way. What irritates me is how many of these poly amorous men try to make me feel bad about my choices just as society tries to do the same to them. There doesn’t seem to be much difference between the crowd who is into multiples and the crowd who is into monogamy. Everyone wants everyone else to behave the way they do. It is almost as if most people cannot believe that the individual choice is okay unless all of society supports the choice by choosing the same.

The definition of cheating to me is acting deceitfully to allow yourself to do what you want to do and avoid consequences. This involves far more than physical acts of copulation. In fact, it involves being emotionally involved with another when it takes away from the relationship(s) you have without the other(s) involved knowing about your acts. Relationships take work and deceit ruins any and all of them especially when what motivates the deceit is self-interest rather than the best for all concerned.