So my Internet is off for a little while and instead of this boosting already-craptastic productivity, I think it’s made it worse. Instead of writing or working on cover art commissions, I decided to read (AN EQUALLY, IF NOT AS IMPORTANT, PART OF BOTH OF MY JOBS!).
I skimmed my Kindle app and chose a book at random. Duke, by CJ Washington. I can’t remember if I got this one-click free, through KU, bought it, or if it got sent to the review address.
There are spoilers ahead. For those of you who will somehow manage to overlook this ×××OMG SPOILERS AHEAD××× please don’t send me angry emails.
All right, so the book started out okay. Nicole gets bartered into the Fallen MC as collateral for a debt her dad owes. She’s super hot and sexy, perfect, and wears heels all the time, barely phased by the horrors of her past as her dad’s bargaining chip. I’m already annoyed. The club itself is populated by super hot underwear models with super model girlfriends.
*apply brakes–pet peeve rant impending* ummm. Take a gander at the mug shots of the bikers arrested recently in Texas. How many of them studs would make Cosmo’s monthly “Cosmo Man” feature? Or Google any biker war and check out the mug shots. Or just lurk on the national clubs’ websites that post pics of their members at events. CHARLIE HUNAM THEY AIN’T! *drops mic*
Okay, so Nicole immediately becomes the club sweetheart, beloved by everyone except the club sluts, one of which is super bitchy. It’s in this first chunk of the book that a few weird first person tenses pop up mid-sentence, like the author started the book in first person, then changed it, but because she may have something against editors, this wasn’t caught (and no, not being able to afford one is not an excuse. There is no excuse not having a book you are offering for sale properly and thoroughly edited. This book abounds with typos and massive grammar and punctuation issues. Like, huge.
Story plods on with lots of characters exulting Nicole’s vast shining beauty, Duke whining about his hard dick, boring sex scenes (sad thing is, even though I’m sort of a Liz Lemon in the bedroom, nothing in this book even remotely made me go, “ew, no that’s not sex stuff!”) Saying “Penis!” excites me more than these sex scenes do. Penis Penis penis!
Aaaand there are hints of a plausible conflict. Rival biker gangs and all.
And then this book turns into a Harlequin romance, and these two characters are in love. And Nicole’s pregant!! With triplets!! Identical triplets!! Everybody is over the moon!!
I kind of gave up at that point. I kept reading, though.
I got frustrated again real quit. There’s a real simple equation. A bullet fired from a gun is going to reach its target a LOT faster than the target is going to realize that somebody fired a gun at him and fires his own gun. This scenario happened twice. The second time, there was a door between Nicole and the guy trying to shoot her, and nothing between the damn “heroes” and the guy. Did they shoot the dude?
No…no. that would have made too much sense. So they wait until he fumbles with keys, unlocks the door, pulls Nicole out, struggles with her, and then she grabs his knife and stabs him.
Of course, it’s happily ever after blah blah blah.
Point 1: the song is called To Make You Feel My Love, and even though Adele covered it, Billy Joel sang it first. Garth Brooks’ version is probably the most famous. I’m going to pretty much go with a biker knowing that song because he heard Garth Brooks’ version on accident, rather than him believing Adele is the only person who sings this song.
Point 2: Nicole is a fucking adult. she is capable of going anywhere in the fucking world to get away from her father. She’s not stupid. She knows he casually offers her up as a slave every time he owes somebody something, so why the fuck doesn’t she do the grown up thing and LEAVE TOWN???
Point 3: Why, oh why, didn’t this book get a good, thorough edit? When you’re presenting a product for sale, one that relies on skill and talent to sell, you want it displayed at its very best. Word of advice: 90% of the sentences in this book should be two separate statements. Commas are not your friends. In fact, if this book was a boat, they would be actively trying to sink it.
Point 4: A beating liked Nicole recieves would most likely need medical attention. Her kidneys would be damaged, as would her spine. If she was truly as injured as described, that girl needed more help than a sponge bath, questionable pain med injections, and ‘bruise cream.’
Point 5: if you’re trying to get information out of a person, you don’t punch them in the head hard enough to hear their skull crack. Simple logic: the skull holds the brain. The brain is delicate. If the brain bounces around the skull, it bruises and bleeds and swells, and people are incapacitated. They can’t give you information if you’ve given them brain damage.
Point 6: for an MC, they don’t seem you ride motorcycles. They mention motorcycles a couple of times at the very end.
All in all, meh.